dear iphone 4

Dear iPhone 4,

[I guess this letter would also go out to any and all smart phones that have flooded the market in the past 5 years.] Thank you. From the very heart of who I am, I just really want to say thanks. Did I live before you? Yeah, sure. But as I look back at my life B.I.P. (before iphone) I really just don’t know how I made through each day. Could I survive in a world without you now?? (pause for effect) . . . . . . . . . . . . . I shudder at the thought. Would I breathe?? Yes, of course I would. I just wouldn’t want to without my iphone4.

Don’t get me wrong. I been on the cell phone bandwagon from the very start. I had the huge monsters that I drug around and made calls on, when I could find reception. I may even remember a call or two made from phone that I carried around in a giant over the shoulder bag (I think we carried around individual cell phone towers, now that I think about it). And as time went on and technology progressed, well, we know what happened. The phones continued to get smaller, cooler and began to do many other things besides make a phone call. Up until a year and half ago, I was pretty content with my small, cool phone that actually took pictures. I mean, what else do I need, right?? I had heard about these “smart” phones and wanted nothing to do with them. I imagined them to be an overly complicated device that had no place in the life of a normal guy, like me. Maybe the Wall Street type of guy could use them or some doctors or whatnot, but me . . . . I didn’t see the need. Besides, only techy, pretentious arrogant people use those things.

Then I held you. And all of a sudden the App world unfolded before me. Then I had to have you. How could I have not brought you into my life?? How can one glimpse into this unparallelled universe of possibilities and not want to be a part?? I had to get on board. And thank God I did. Life now has more purpose, more ease and flow. You name it, I do it . . . from my iphone. Surf the web? Check. Need directions? Weather info in Santa Monica? Got it. Angry birds? You know it. You Tube? All over it. Read Sports Illustrated and then the Bible?? Done. You do so much for me and then some. I swipe through hundreds of videos and pictures, make grocery lists, watch TV, program my DVR, all while I enjoy streaming music. God, I love you. Thank you again and again just for being you.

Matt

Sent from my iphone4

dear child's toy package

Dear Child’s Toy Package,

Really?? . . . Are you kidding me?? . . . Think maybe you take your job a little too serious?? I do. And I realize I can’t speak for everyone else on the planet, but I got a pretty good idea that most of us are all on the same page about you. You need to take it down a notch or two. Relax a little. Chill.

Keep in mind, nobody WANTS you. We want the toy that you are packaging. And I get it, you two go together, thus the phrase, “a packaged deal”. I understand that. Also I realize that you perform a necessary service. Toy manufacturers can’t just simply throw a Mr. Potato Head and all his accessories arbitrarily in some cardboard box and expect the customer to be pleased with the product when it is opened. Things need to be secured. They need to be fastened down. Listen, I feel we all can agree on this point, no one is upset at WHAT you do. You are vital and essential. You are extremely appreciated.

The struggle we have with you is HOW you are doing your job. It should not take 3 people and 2 tools to free Malibu Barbie from her cardboard torture chamber that you call “standard packaging”. A college degree or a skilled trade background should not be required to open a toy for your child. Are you even aware of frustrating position that you put us all in?? Let me explain: child opens present, see’s toy, tries to get at it but can’t - because of you, gives it to the nearest adult or two to open because the child now feels like he/she should have been playing with this toy 5 minutes ago and will now stand beside you impatiently and urge you to open it faster. Now, I have to get through all the plastic, postal tape, wire banding, staples (and I think barbed wire is used as well) all before my 2 year old daughter has a meltdown of epic proportions. Usually, this process takes way to long, the child gets bored from waiting for the toy, grabs the box (which was easy enough to open, at least) and then spends the next 3 hours playing with cardboard instead the $29.99 toy that she had to have. I blame you.

Just do your job. Don’t go crazy with it . . . just . . . just do your job. Keep it simple. Back it up a little. Find a balance we all can agree on. Just, please, . . . please make it easier. Thank you.

Hopefully Putting Away The Needle Nose Pliers And Steak Knife,

Matt