dear duck poop

Dear Duck Poop,

You suck. Your very presence can ruin an afternoon in one, quick, single step. I hate you. You know what I hate most? That fact that you are so freaking chameleon-like. You blend into the ground to an almost unrecognizable status. When you lie in the grass, you are green. (I guess the ducks eat a lot of grass) Then when you are on the dirt, you are brown. (These are probably the ducks that got the bread we brought.) But what drives me the most insane is the sheer amount of feces that litter the lawn around the pond in our neighborhood. It’s ungodly. I honestly cannot even begin to describe the amount of stool that surrounds the water. Every step, not every other, but every step has to be a concentrated effort to avoid your contact. I’m tired of it.

Granted, there are a lot of ducks and geese that call the area home, maybe a hundred or two. And I realize that pooping is a normal part of their daily routine, that and swimming and eating are pretty much a full day for normal duck or goose. I get that. So I guess it makes sense that is so much poop around the pond, but for crying out loud, this is ridiculous. Keep in mind that I have a very excitable 2 year old who loves to chase the ducks, and when you think about that, it almost looks like a Norman Rockwell painting in your mind . . . . so cute . . . . the adorable little girl running after 30 or so ducks in the grass, carrying some stale bread to donate to their bellies . . . they run from her, cackle and honk . . . she cracks up laughing at them as she attempts to run faster . . . then it happens . . . . as any two year old knows, when you get to running your top possible speed for any length of time, that means you are about to bite the dust. Which in its self isn’t that big of a deal in a normal grassy field, but one that is shellacked in fowl excrement is just not right . . . . not now, not ever. She gets back up, but tears up from the fall, reaches up her arms and wants her Daddy to pick her up and kiss her new boo-boo . . . only problem is that she now looks as if she has been blasted by a duck poop paint ball machine gun. Its gross.

Am I asking too much to request that the birds leave you and your kind in the water? Is that taboo? Is that an unspoken rule not to be broken like we, as people, aren’t supposed to pee in a pool? Just know that I will be looking into this matter and if I have my way, your days of baking in the sun are soon over. Prepare to get soggy.

Hoping for a clean shoed future,

Matt