dear rectal thermometer

Dear Rectal Thermometer,

First off, this isn’t a fan letter by any means, but rather a letter of sheer adoration to a device that has stood the test of time and held its place of relevancy in your specific field of service. Let’s be honest, not many people like you. Science and modern medicine have gone to great lengths to eradicate your expertise, to take you out of business. They have developed many alternative and more “user friendly” methods of measuring one’s core body temperature. We now have the oral, under the tongue one, the one you just stick in your ear for about 2 seconds, the under the arm guy, and even the rub on the forehead in one second thingy. All extremely more popular that you and let’s just say it, . . . all less probing and less invasive as you are. But, as I am sure you already know, all less accurate as you.

We have even come up with formulas to make the other forms work, like if you use the under arm guy, add one degree, but on the forehead thingy, just realize that it won’t be right at all, it basically serves the purpose of detecting fevers of 103 degrees or higher. I don’t know what it is about the anal cavity that gives us the best reading, but you got that area locked up. I personally have never used your services. Pain, discomfort and a dash of homophobia being the obvious reasons, but I think confusion is another factor. I mean, if I used you and then weeks later accidently grabbed you and put you in my mouth thinking you are the oral one, well . . . . . . . . I just don’t know if there is any coming back after something like that.

But thank you for your service. I hope I never need you.

Matt