dear doctors office scale

Dear Doctors Office Scale,

You suck and you lie!!! Do I need to be any clearer?? Your “facts and information” are askew. Listen, I know my numbers, okay. I been stepping on you and your kind for over 4 decades now and I got a pretty good grip on my stats, all right? I am 6 foot and one half inch tall and my weight is always between 185 – 190. Got it?? That’s my facts. That’s who I am. Those are the numbers I been carrying for over 15 years. You feel me??

Now, all of a sudden, you have the audacity to tell me something different?? I don’t think so. Granted, it may have been a few years since I had a check-up, but what you are trying to tell me has got to be wrong. 6 foot even and 235 pounds?? Are you on dope?? First off, where did the half inch go?? I’m not 84 and battling osteoporosis. My spine is fine and I drink lots of milk, so I know you are wrong there. And 235??? Are you kidding me?? Don’t get me wrong, 6 foot 235 are good stats to have . . . . if you are a tailback in the Big Ten. But I am just a warehouse worker in Columbus, Ohio, so I figure those numbers mean to me a high risk of diabetes, asthma and a future candidate as a heart defibrillator patient.

So here’s the deal. Apparently the doc wants to see me again next week . . . . whatever . . . . anyhow, between now and then I expect you to get your weights re-calibrated and your little ruler thing double checked, because next time I step on you, you better be giving me some better numbers. If not, I guess its off to the Biggest Loser for me.

Until then I’m sucking it in,

Matt